Updated: Apr 13
"I've been with my boyfriend for about two years, living together for 5 months. He has a password on his phone and will never give it to me. Every time I ask him to use it, he unlocks it for me and stays next to me to see if I'm gonna go through his stuff.
When I tell him, "I'm gonna go through your texts," he'll say, "Hell no, you're not!" We fight a lot because of this. What makes it worse is that he has the habit of liking other girls' pictures. I've told him if he has nothing to hide then why not just give me the password. He says he needs his privacy."
First thing, it's obvious there's no trust in your relationship. You think he's likely cheating and you would like confirmation. And he doesn't trust you to not go through his phone, for whatever reason.
It could in fact be because there might be evidence of him cheating or of him doing some other shady stuff. Him often liking the pictures of other women would make most women suspicious, particularly if the pictures he's often liking are of the same women or woman.
However, that doesn't give you the right to go through his phone nor should it. We each share things with other people in our lives, friends, family, co-workers, and so on. Sometimes those things can be embarrassing or confidential and have nothing to do with your relationship, so there's no reason you should have full access.
What you need to focus on is the behavior that is causing you want to go through his phone. Virtually every time someone has the urge to go through their partner's phone, it is because there is something that the partner did or is doing that is making that person suspicious. So the focus should be that. And here it looks like it is his behavior of him liking the pictures of other women. (There could be others, of course.)
So what you first need to do is talk to him and tell him why you're not okay with him liking the photos of other women. Sit him down and do it calmly. Tell him that when he does that it makes you uneasy and that you feel it is disrespectful. Tell him it makes it hard for you to trust him.
If he's understanding and actually cares about your relationship, he will stop. Because the truth is, if he won't stop doing this, you will never feel secure in your relationship. You will always feel that he's up to something. That's he's trying to get some side action. And in turn, you will always have the urge to go through his phone.
Fact is, going through his phone solves nothing. If you do find evidence of cheating, are you going to leave? If you're smart, you will, and for good. Many do leave but just end up coming back.
But let's say you do find nothing. Is that really going to make you feel better? It might, for like 5 seconds. Because really as long as he's doing other shady things or at least things you believe eventually lead to physical cheating such as liking the pictures of other women, you're constantly going to have the urge to go through his phone. It's never going to stop.
Step 1: Talk to him and try to get him to stop liking the pictures. Remember, voice your feelings, don't command him what to do.
Step 2: If he doesn't stop, leave. If he does, then go on to step 3.
Step 3: Try to trust him if he's doing everything else right, meaning not giving you other reasons to be suspicious. Don't try to go through his phone. Don't do things that will make him think you don't trust him and don't do any shady stuff yourself.
Step 4: Hope it's permanent, because sadly most just revert to their old behavior after a few weeks or months. Hey, it's the truth. You'll have a good idea in a few weeks.
Step 5: If after a couple weeks or months he does revert to his old behavior and tells you to accept it or lies about it when you have proof, tell him to fuck off and leave. If you don't, you will never EVER be happy in your relationship.